RAW PAIN

By Rashidat Iganyi

I pulled up in front of the asylum, got out of the car and took a deep breath, wanting to feel and inhale the cool breeze but all I got was… Brains. I don’t know if it was for real or just my imaginations. But nontheless, I walked in, climbed up the stairs to fill in the visitors’ form. I haven’t been here in two years but I could still remember how she was when I brought her in, how shattering the whole experience had been. The nurse smiled at me, I didn’t smile back, couldn’t smile back, I just stared on and followed her to the room where she was… I opened the door slowly, and there she was, sitted on the bed, her back to us, her shoulders thin and slumped. My heart went out to her as I watched her, taking note of every little movement, every breath she took, I sighed with regret. I had run away, from everything, I had wanted to disappear if possible! But still, this was my life, she was all I had. I wish mum was here, but we can’t always have what we want now can we? She died of cancer six years back, she used to say that whatever happened to you was caused by you! Never blame anything on anyone. I think about it and laugh ironically sometimes; mum was a heavy smoker and drinker! Always got high and told us how our father dumped her at the alter, at other times she was loving and caring, the best mother we could ever ask for. She was also very glad that instead of one child, she ended up with twins, but honestly, I didn’t want to be here… Mum had kidney failure once and needed a transplant, I gladly donated one of mine hoping to die in the process but no, fate wouldn’t have that. At some point I wanted to meet our father, I don’t know what I would’ve done but what I do know is that whatever I had on my mind, wasn’t gon be pretty. I finally got some useful information about him, he was the branch manager at a cocacola bottling company in Lagos, fantastic. I decided to go there a few days later, of course I didn’t tell mum or my twin about it. I had my speech prepared, I was going to give him a big piece of my mind. But again, fate was ahead of me… From the main entrance I saw his Obituary, I walked into the main compound and it was everywhere. With a disappointed heart, I asked one of the workers what had happened to him, and he said the deceased, my father had been monitoring the supply of new stock when a crate of coke fell on his head, sending him to his death at the spot! Lucky bastard! Shortly after that was when mum had cancer of the lungs, we thought she would survive this too as she did the kidney failure but once again, fate was there and as usual, she was never on our side. At a point it looked like mum was mutating as her chest and one side of her neck became so black. She was in so much pain and Tanya, my twin would always break down and cry each time we went to see her in the hospital, but I would just stand and stare, wondering why we had to be so unfortunate. Why we always had to be the ones… One day mum said to me between coughs as she lay on her bed; “Tonia, you’re like me, you’re strong and witty. But you need to cry… Let go even if for once…” I had no answer for that, I just looked out the window as if I was supposed to find a reason out there… After her burial, I decided that our lives had to take a new turn, only for Tanya to fall in love with a man… Jeez seriously? As if that wasn’t the beginning of our woes… Love! Mum had made that crazy mistake once and see where it led her… See where it led us! I just watched it play out before me, she got married after some months and had a baby girl. Her husband, Maxwell loved her so much, I decided at a point that nothing could go wrong. My sister’s life was getting better so I could now blink and turn away… Or so I thought. I should have known fate would always come hungry for more… Maxwell had slumped, at the tennis court while playing with his friends. He had heart failure, died barely two hours later… No last words… Tanya was shattered, I did all I could, absolutely everything I could, to help her get her life back together. I became a nanny, for her and her baby Patricia, I hardly ever left her side. I gave her all the attention she needed, I lived my life for her… When ‘Tricia was two, Tanya decided to find a job, in no time she got one, as a waiter in a fastfood, there was no problem about who would take of Tricia, I was there. Within 3 months, Tanya learnt how to drive so she could start using the jeep maxwell left behind. I always told her, that the jeep didn’t match her kind of job, and we would both laugh at the joke! She wasn’t broke or anything of the sort, she just needed somewhere to go to everyday, meet people, talk, laugh and I understood perfectly. But I was fine the way I was, alone. The only person that complained about that was Tanya, but that’s how I wanted it to be… I was in the kitchen making breakfast that morning when she came to drop Tricia off. She’d left in a hurry because she was late, forgetting to give Tricia a goodbye kiss the little girl had grown used to. I was frying some chips so I couldn’t leave it at that moment, I walked over to the sink to do the dishes and looked out the window… And what I saw sent sparks of pain to my heart, Tracia had obviously run after her mum for her kiss, and Tanya was unaware of that. The little girl had dropped her teddy and squatted to pick it up and just then the jeep reversed, knocked her down, and smashed her pretty little head, I couldn’t scream, I ran out of my apartment and after Tanya as she drove off in a hurry. I started shouting and waving my hands until she saw me through the side mirror and slowed down till she stopped, I couldn’t talk, I just stood there, looking so lost and confused, my eyes wide open. Tanya got down and ran towards me, curious; “Tonia what is it? Why were you running like that?” She’d asked. I couldn’t speak, I just pointed and she looked, confused. Then she started walking back to the spot, to her baby, she started running and screaming… She knelt down and held her head as she screamed and cried, the little bump and gallop she’d felt while driving off was her baby’s skull… I walked back to where she was, following the wet trail Tricia’s smashed brain had made on the road till I was behind Tanya, listening to her racking sobs, watching as her shoulders shook violently, people had started to gather, I was grateful for that because I needed help holding Tanya down when she started acting funny. I had brought her here, checked on her everyday after that but each visit killed me inside.

My sister was insane, all she did was hit her head repeatedly on the walls of her room, chew her blouse or scream. I couldn’t take it so I stopped coming, for the next two years I was a loner, I thought it was my turn, I thought fate would come for me, but the bitch never came back… Maybe I didn’t have what she wanted, or maybe she got bored. Yesterday, I was taking one of my long, aimless walks when I bumped into an old friend of ours, who travelled out and had us thinking he would never return. He’d wanted to know all that had happened in his absence and so I told him… And now we are here, in this place I so didn’t want to be in, for the first time in a long time I felt hot tears burning my eye lids as I watched Tanya. She was still, for what seemed like forever, didn’t move a muscle. I sniffed and let the tears roll down my cheek as I turned back to look at him; “That’s Tanya…”